Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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