I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
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