Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
