ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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