i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
