Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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