I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
