You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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