Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
