He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
