If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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