no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
