Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
