I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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