Will you blow on my dice?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
