I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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