I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
