I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
The uberlube is also flammable
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
