There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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