Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize