Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
