Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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