chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
