I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
