he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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