He disabled his match.com account in front of me
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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