Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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