And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
