this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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