he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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