You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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