The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
