As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
she pinky promised me she was 18
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
