bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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