Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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