Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I did not marry a roomba.
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