I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
