Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize