Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
