I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
