apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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