The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
