just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
