if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
