I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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