I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I wish you could order shots online.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
