so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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