Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
