I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
