I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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