You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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