i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Randomize
