I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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