I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
