I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
