i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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