My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
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I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.