I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
